Satirical Alexandria

Governor McDonnell Declares April "White History Appreciation To Try Having Europeans Forget Using Costumed Klansmen" Month

2010-04-10T14:37:00.009-04:00

By royal proclamation, Virginia Governor Bob McDonnell (R- Liberty University so-called law school) declared April to be "White History Appreciation To Try Having Europeans Forget Using Costumed Klansmen" Month, or "WHATTHEFUCK? Month." Governor McDonnell believes that celebrating WHATTHEFUCK Month, or "WTF Month" for short, will encourage all white Americans descended from invading Europeans who raped and pillaged Native Americans then enslaved Africans to make Virginia the richest and most populated British colony in North America to celebrate their shared history of domination and privilege and forget that their ancestors ran around in white robes and hoods, burning crosses, shutting down schools and generally terrorizing black people. The proclamation was also designed to spur tourism in Virginia, which recently re-opened its highway rest stops just to slap former Governor Kaine in the face and must now justify the spending of limited tax dollars on places where men meet at night to have homosexual orgies in the woods.

After enduring national criticism for declaring April "Confederate History Month" in Virginia without mentioning the shameful legacy of slavery in the Commonwealth, McDonnell first tried to stem the controversy by acknowledging that the Civil War, or "The War of Northern Aggression" to Virginia Republicans, was mostly about slavery (as opposed to just upholding state's rights and tea bagging each other), McDonnell found that many citizens of Virginia, black and white, and all sorts of other colors, remained outraged at his previous whitewash of Virginia's history. McDonnell blamed a private organization, The Sons of The Confederacy, for the prior omission, and admitted candidly to a reporter, "I have to suck up to Virginia white trash rednecks, so they will continue to support my agenda. Otherwise I can't get anything done around here. The State Senate is controlled by Democrats."

Virginians reacted positively to the new WTF Month proclamation, with some planning to take the entire month of April off to tour Monument Avenue in Richmond, site of the world's largest collection of second place trophies, all of them earned by Virginia in the Civil War. Other Virginians planned boisterous WTF celebrations throughout the Commonwealth. State legislators lowered the drinking age to 12 for the month of April only, and removed all speed limits on Virginia roads and highways, stating that the new "WTF?" mood throughout the Commonwealth inspired them to party hearty.

Virginia tourism officials adopted the "Waving Klansman" figuring, pictured above, as a symbol of Virginia's WTF? Month. "The waving Klansman figure symbolizes how all Virginians extend a warm welcome to visitors. Especially white ones," said Virginia's top tourism administrator.

Meanwhile, Virginia Attorney General Ken Cuccinelli threatened a Federal lawsuit, to be paid for by Virginia taxpayers, to prevent Virginia from being required to celebrate the Fourth of July. "Independence Day is nothing but a celebration of the creation of big government, which many Virginians and I oppose. The Federal Government should not be going around telling citizens when or what to celebrate about their history. We in Virginia believe it's unconstitutional for the Federal Government to declare a national holiday, and we recently passed an amendment to the Virginia constitution that will allow any Virginian to opt out of Federal holidays."

Oh, what a tangled web we weave...

2010-02-04T17:59:00.005-05:00

...when first we practice to deceive.

An official ACPS statement on the TC Williams basketball team scandal was placed on the ACPS website on February 2, 2010, as follows:

"T.C. Williams 5-Year Athletes

Dear Parents, Colleagues and Community Leaders,

A disheartening situation regarding the T.C. Williams High School boys basketball team has recently been brought to my attention. On Monday, Feb. 1, T.C. Athletic Director Robert McKeag received a phone call from Lake Braddock Athletic Director Mark Martino alerting him to an anonymous call he had received about a senior on the boys basketball team who may be ineligible to play because he is in his fifth year playing high school sports. Virginia High School League (VHSL) regulations forbid public school athletes from playing more than four years. Rules for private schools are different.

When Mr. McKeag pulled the transcripts for the student, he discovered that this was true. He then checked the transcripts for all seniors on the team and found that one other student was also in his fifth year. Both students transferred to T.C. Williams High School from other schools in 2007 and 2008. Mr. McKeag (who began his career with ACPS in 2008, when the two students were already team members) immediately forfeited the team's 12 wins this season and notified the Virginia High School League. The team will continue to compete this season, with a 0-15 record and without the two students who are no longer team members.

We are taking the following steps:

T.C. Principal William Clendaniel has been directed to conduct a thorough investigation of all personnel and processes involved in the handling of the students' transcripts when they entered T.C. in 2007 and 2008. Results of the investigation will be submitted to me by this Friday.
The T.C. Athletic Department is checking to confirm that all other athletes are in full compliance.

School officials will review practices and procedures and make changes as appropriate. There will be a focus on improved communication between the counseling and athletic offices

I am very disappointed for our students and for the T.C. community. Whether this was caused by a lack of checks and balances at the school level or by human error, I am deeply disturbed that T.C.'s longstanding practices have resulted in hurting our students.

Sincerely,

Morton Sherman
Superintendent"

Note this part: "Both students transferred to T.C. Williams High School from other schools in 2007 and 2008. Mr. McKeag (who began his career with ACPS in 2008, when the two students were already team members)...".

TC Administrators and TC Williams are still trying to spin this as an "oversight" occuring during the "transition" between Donley and McKeag, and that one of the players transferred into TC in 2007. In the Washington Post article of February 2 that broke the story, it states: "According to [Coach] King, the two players transferred into T.C. Williams in 2008, at around the same time former coach Ivan Thomas and former athletic director Kerry Donnelly left the program." So, we have a direct quote from the CURRENT Coach who says they BOTH transferred in 2008, and now ACPS is saying that ONE of them transferred in 2007. Hmmmm...

I took the liberty of pulling out my daughter's 2007-2008 yearbook, when she was a sophomore. She would have been in the same grade as two ineligible players. NEITHER of the two ineligible players are listed with or photographed among the TC JV or Varsity basketball teams for the 2007-2008 season. I checked all the other boy's sports, then I checked the girl's too! I checked every individual class section. I checked clubs. I even checked the damn BAND. Lastly, I checked the index of every single student at the very back of the book. They ain't there. I think that's probably because neither one of them was enrolled at TC during the 2007-2008 school year. Maybe they came at the tail end of the 2008 school year, but the yearbook goes to print in May, subject to revisions, and I'm pretty sure index names are still added at the last minute. I doubt anyone would transfer to a new high school in May or June, unless maybe they were a member of a military family that had a sudden move order. If someone did indeed transfer to TC Williams and it wasn't for military or similar reasons, I would suspect some very different, more peculiar reason for doing so...but I don't think that's what happened. Does anyone know these kids? Anyone remember which one supposedly transferred in 2007? Which one came from Bishop Ireton? Did that kid finish out the 07-08 school year at B.I.? What about the kid who came from North Carolina? When did he transfer to TC? Which one came in 07 and which one came in 08, supposedly, and WHEN, exactly?

Since neither of them are even named in the 2007-2008 yearbook, they probably enrolled sometime in the summer of 2008 AFTER KERRY DONLEY LEFT THE PROGRAM AND MCKEAG HAD TAKEN OVER. They would have been REQUIRED under VHSL rules to have a physical at some point AFTER May 1, 2008 and to submit the results to McKeag's office in order to be able to obtain an eligibility card to even try out for the team, let alone practice and play, for the 2008-2009 season. That alone should have flagged their ages, a dead giveaway, which should have triggered questions. McKeag - AND ONLY MCKEAG - was the athletic director at least after August 2008, which is when eligibility cards for fall sports teams would have been issued. If these boys did only played basketball, and no fall sports, they could have postponed the physical and eligibility card process until even later in the year, well past the start of school, since they would not have needed an eligibility card until sometime in November 2008. I don't know the exact date in the summer of 2008 when McKeag took office. Kerry Donley resigned to consider a run for state delegate and ended up running for his old seat on the Alexandria City Council, which he won in May 2009.

Everyone in Alexandria who knows me knows I haven't always agreed with Kerry Donley (and the Post keeps misspelling his name), but I'll stand up for him now. This is NOT Kerry Donley's fault, and I won't let ACPS try to pin it on him. This falls on McKeag.

TC Williams Basketball Team Forfeits Season/AD McKeag Exposed As Scumbag

2010-02-02T10:49:00.005-05:00

This is not funny at all, and it is an absolute tragedy for honest TC Williams basketball players, who are suffering needlessly because of the hijinks of TC Williams Athletic Director Bob McKeag, and my heart goes out to those kids. It really does. After what my own kid went through last year, I wouldn't wish this on anyone's child. But "transcripts weren't checked" my ass. I call BS out loud on that one. Let's rally together and send Superintendent Sherman and the School Board a very loud message: Send South County's dirty old trash right back where it belongs. We shouldn't have had it foisted upon our city anyway.

http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2010/02/01/AR2010020104097.html

T.C. Williams, one of the preeminent public boys' basketball programs in the area and a front-runner for the Northern Region title, will forfeit all of its victories this season for using two ineligible players, Titans Coach Julian King said Monday night.

According to King, seniors Billy Rowland and Darrius Porter were ruled ineligible this week because they are in their fifth year of playing high school sports, which violates national federation rules -- and those of the Virginia High School League -- that state players are allowed four years of high school eligibility.

T.C. athletic director Bob McKeag, who informed King of the forfeits Monday afternoon, did not return a telephone message left Monday night.

The forfeits will take the No. 11 Titans, three-time Virginia AAA Northern Region champions, from 12-3 to 0-15.

Rowland, a 6-foot-6 forward, was averaging a team-high 17.5 points per game. According to King, Rowland transferred into the Alexandria school last season after spending one year at Bishop Ireton. Before that, Rowland had spent two years at Surrattsville. Last year should have been Rowland's final year of athletic eligibility. Porter, who King said transferred into T.C. Williams last year from North Carolina, was averaging 5.4 points.

King said that he was unaware of the eligibility issues until he spoke with McKeag on Monday. "It broke my heart today to have to tell the kids that the season is basically down the drain," King said

According to King, the two players transferred into T.C. Williams in 2008, at around the same time former coach Ivan Thomas and former athletic director Kerry Donnelly left the program. King, an assistant under Thomas before taking over the program last season, said neither player's transcript was properly checked.

T.C. Williams, which won the 2008 Virginia AAA state title under Thomas, had won 80 consecutive games against competition in the AAA Patriot District. That streak is now over.

"Do you think I care about some streak?" said King. "I'm not the type of guy to do anything to win."

Sexy Time!

2010-01-22T14:53:00.003-05:00

I swear on all that is holy, once this case is over and I've finished writing my screenplay about it, I am soooooo going to lobby for Borat to play Mort Sherman...

Lysistrata 2009 - Women of Virginia Withhold Sex In Response To Backwards Bob's Stupid Thesis

2009-10-06T11:04:00.006-04:00

In an extraordinary development, the race for the Governor’s mansion in Virginia took a remarkable turn in favor of the Democratic nominee Creigh Deeds today when the women of Virginia declared a statewide sex strike in response to the medieval assertions in Republican nominee Bob McDonnell’s Blueprint for Virginia.

The McDonnell Plan, in which Bob McDonnell described working women as "detrimental" to the family and the use of contraception by unmarried couples as “illogical,” came under intense scrutiny when published by the Washington Post on August 30, 2009. In a response dated today, noted activist, feminist, fornicator, cohabitator, homosexulator, married mother of one, and all around general political irritant Gloria Gadfly of Alexandria announced that she had formed a coalition of women throughout Virginia who, incensed at McDonnell’s hateful and outdated rhetoric against women, have decided that they will withhold sex from their partners unless each of their partners works to elect Creigh Deeds Governor of Virginia. “Our motto is simple,” said Ms. Gadfly from her home in Alexandria. “No Gov, No Love.”

The statewide sex strike, which was inspired by Aristophanes' famous satire “Lysistrata,” written in 411 B.C., is indeed reminiscent of the ancient play, in which the women of Greece withheld sexual privileges from their husbands as a means of forcing the men to negotiate peace during the Peloponnesian War. Their strategy caused another war, a battle of the sexes, and hilarity ensued. Pursuant to a long and complicated oath sworn over a big bowl of wine, the women of Greece pledged to withhold sex until their husbands ended the war, including refraining from a certain sexual position known as “The Lioness on The Cheese Grater.”

Building on a loose coalition of friends and neighbors, Ms. Gadfly built a statewide consortium of women who are now refusing to pose as “The Lioness on The Cheese Grater” unless and until every man in Virginia votes for Creigh Deeds. “There’s all this crap in Bob McDonnell’s Blueprint for Virginia about how working women are detrimental to their families,” said Ms. Gadfly, “but did anyone ever stop and think about the fact that Bob McDonnell’s own wife’s first job was shaking her tits and ass in front of a football stadium full of drunken men when she was a scantily glad Redskins cheerleader? Why is it detrimental for women to have decent jobs like teachers, police officers, doctors and lawyers, but it’s okay to shake your groove thing in front of a bunch of drunks? Does Bob McDonnell expect us all to be pole dancers?” asked Ms. Gadfly, who noted that she would be forty-seven years old this month and has had a pregnancy and is no position to be a pole dancer, or at least not a very profitable one.

Ms. Gadfly went on the note that her own husband was actively supporting Creigh Deeds. “He’s a man who knows what he wants and what he likes and how to get it,” she stated.

As many women across the Commonwealth of Virginia joined Ms. Gadfly’s coalition, support for Creigh Deeds among men aged 18-101 surged, and Deeds is expected to win with a large mandate.

Not So Shocking News! Alexandria Full of Shit!

2009-09-16T17:35:00.008-04:00

In a not-so-shocking development, the Alexandria News (alexandrianews.org) reported today that the City of Alexandria is indeed full of shit. According to local reporters Carla Branch and James Cullum, the city's sewage system is near capacity and frequently overflows during rainstorms. Per news reports, "Alexandria’s aging sewer system and limited sewage treatment capacity have already had a negative impact on proposed development and without a significant expenditure of funds, the situation will only get worse."

City residents did not seem surprised by the news. "I always knew this city was full of shit," said one local woman. "I mean, you've got really super rich people living in certain wealthy sections, complaining about taxes while sending their kids to private schools that cost over twenty grand a year, and really poor people crammed into apartment buildings and housing projects in certain poor sections sending their kids to crappy local schools while the school superintendent makes two hundred and fifty grand a year and gets a car allowance for his new Mercedes SUV, all on the taxpayers' dime. The rich go to the fancy schmancy churches and talk about how much they care, then they turn around and do everything they can to cut social services. Meanwhile, you have people running on the Republican ticket under the guise of diversity because they are part Native American. Hey, I'm 1/32 Native American. Where's my casino?"

Others noted that Democrats were at fault too. "Look at the Mayor," noted one voter, "He took tons in campaign donations from developers, and he didn't even have to campaign. He was running unopposed. What kind of bullshit is that? The kind that's clogging our sewers, that's what kind."

A representative from the Department of Transportation and Environmental Services told reporters for the Alexandria News that meters had been placed in the city's sewers to determine where the leaks were the worst in the hope that by rehabbing certain pipes, the city could avoid the cost of digging up the entire sewer. The estimated cost of the monitoring and pipe rehab is currently $25.9 million. The city hopes to alleviate the problem by encouraging the city's biggest bullshitters - people such as Alexandria Republican Committee Chairman Chris Marston (a.k.a. "Munchkin Mayor"), newly installed Alexandria City Councilwoman Alicia Hughes (a.k.a "Baltimoron") and School Superintendent Morty Sherman (a.k.a. "Jersey Boy") to move away, thereby cutting down significantly on the amount of bullshit clogging the city's sewer system. Engineers estimate that the cost of sewer repairs for the city would decrease $1 million for each of those three people if they left town, for a total savings of $3 million to taxpayers. Residents are encouraged to rat out the biggest bullshitters they know to the City's Department of Transportation and Environmental Services by calling City Hall at 703.838.4000.

Somali Pirates Hijack Cherry Blossom

2009-07-13T10:14:00.009-04:00

Alexandria, Virginia, June 24, 2009 - Somali Pirates hijacked the Cherry Blossom paddleboat in Old Town Alexandria during the Sixth Annual Fostering the Future Cruise, “Pirates in Parrotdise." The evening of tropical music, dance, food and drink was planned to benefit Alexandria’s most vulnerable children, those in foster care and at risk of abuse and neglect. Instead, the event, hosted by the Advisory Council of The Fund for Alexandria’s Child in the City of Alexandria’s Department of Human Services, and sponsored by a Jimmy Buffet fan group, the Washington Area Parrot Head Club, turned into a night of terror for Alexandria Mayor William "Bill" Euille and a local youth lacrosse coach.

Many Alexandria dignitaries were in attendance, including the Mayor, Virginia State Senator Patsy Ticer, City Council Members Alicia Hughes and Frank Fannon, and many members of various city advisory boards. Shortly after the Cherry Blossom left the Port of Alexandria (site of another terrorist attack in the most recent season of the FOX TV hit "24"), Somali Pirates boarded the boat in the middle of the Potomac River and took as hostages Mayor Euille, a local youth lacrosse coach and current Commissioner of the Alexandria Lacrosse Club, and the coach's wife, a member of the City's Social Services Advisory Board. The other passengers were freed.

A ransom demand of ten million dollars per hostage was communicated to city officials. However, in a situation reminiscent of O. Henry's short story "The Ransom of Red Chief," the coach's wife so irritated the pirates with her constant rantings about Dick Cheney and other miscreant officials of the Bush Administration that the pirates offered her money to jump off the boat and swim to shore. Once safely ashore, the coach's wife, wet and hopping mad but otherwise unharmed, refused all offers of assistance from emergency personnel. She defiantly marched up King Street to sex shop "Le Tache," where, in a show of solidarity with beleaguered local businessman Michael Zerlenga in his long running feud with the Alexandria Board of Architectural Review, she spent the money she received from the pirates on racy, dry undergarments and feather boas.

As news of the hijacking spread throughout Alexandria, concerned lacrosse parents scrambled to raise money to free their beloved coach and commissioner so that their precious darlings could play lacrosse and increase their chances of making Varisty in high school and getting into good colleges. The required ten million dollars was raised in a matter of minutes, in cash, from parents of rich private school kids, and the coach was freed.

Meanwhile, members of the Alexandria City Council held an emergency meeting to debate whether to issue bonds to raise money for the Mayor's ransom. Several city residents objected, stating that such a bond issuance would lower the City's overall credit rating, and noting that it would be cheaper to simply elect a new mayor in the City's standard first-Tuesday-of-every-month-election-for-something. In the end, the City Council voted to deed Landmark Mall to the pirates, since no one goes there anyway, and the Pirates agreed to accept the largely unused eyesore in lieu of their requested ten million dollars and turn the mall into their new international headquarters. Vice Mayor Kerry Donley and Councilwomen Del Pepper and Alicia Hughes noted that this resolution would bring many new pirate related jobs to the West End of Alexandria, which they represent. Mayor Euille was freed unharmed in time for the City's 260th Birthday Celebration, at which he handed out free cupcakes, at Oronoco Park on July 11. Local Sheriff Dana Lawhorne and Police Chief David Parker, along with Commonwealth's Attorney Randy Sengel, issued a joint statement that the pirates would not be arrested or prosecuted because "the coach is okay."

Hughes Hearing Results!

2009-06-25T11:50:00.005-04:00

Satirical Alexandria was live at the scene today when Alexandria Board of Elections Registrar Tom Parkins ruled that City Councilwoman Elect Alicia Hughes is indeed a lawfully registered voter in the City of Alexandria. The scope of the hearing was limited to the time period from the date of the complaint, June 12, 2009, to today, June 25.

Hughes' attorney, Republican State Senator Jill Vogel, channeled Michelle Obama in sleeveless brown shift and objected to pretty much everything the counsel for the three complaining voters, J. Gerald Hebert, said, and all evidence he presented. Mr. Hebert attempted to question Ms. Hughes about which state she paid incomke taxes to and other questions relevant to residency, but Hughes refused to testify. After Ms. Vogel stated that Ms. Hughes was an attorney, Mr. Hebert questioned Ms. Hughes about where she was admitted to practice law, and again Ms. Hughes refused to answer. (Satirical Alexandria was unable to find Ms. Hughes listed as a member of the bar in any state, but did find an old listing for an Alicia Hughes as an attorney at the Miami law firm of Bilzen Sumberg. We also found March 2009 article in the Alexandria Gazette Packet claiming that Hughes was a former land use attorney in Florida, and another article in a Florida newspaper talking about her former mentor, a distinguished Florida attorney. Satirical Alexandria has sent emails to the firm, the mentor and the Florida bar to try and find out whether Hughes was ever admitted to the practice of law, whether she was disbarred, or whether she was never admitted at all.)

As evidence of her Alexandria residency, Ms. Hughes submitted her lease for her apartment at 200 Yoakum Parkway in Alexandria, along with an electric bill and four affidavits from neighbors, one of whom was on hand to testify in person. No cable, water, credit card or tax bills were presented into evidence. Mr. Hebert presented evidence of Ms. Hughes' voter registration in Maryland, still on the books as of today, as well as tax bills, property registration, auto registration and other evidence of her residency in Maryland.

After the results of the hearing were announced, Ms. Hughes' supporters cheered, calling the hearing a 'witch hunt.' Satirical Alexandria cornered Commonwealth's Attorney Randy Sengal for a quote, but all we got was, "Stay tuned."

Neighborly Alexandria Elects Baltimoron To City Council

2009-06-17T10:28:00.005-04:00

The friendly, tolerant, open, welcoming, diverse and totally accepting City of Alexandria, Virginia took an unprecendented step toward inclusion on May 5, 2009, when its citizens elected someone not even from the city to their city council. Baltimore resident Alicia R. Hughes was registered to vote in both Maryland and Virginia as recently as June 9, 2009, and was seen during the campaign and on election day driving around Alexandria in a Mercedes Benz with Maryland tags and held a Maryland driver's license as recently as June 3, 2009. Ms. Hughes, who rented an apartment in Alexandria in March 2008, failed to register her car in Alexandria within 30 days, or register with the Virginia Department of Motor Vehicles within 60 days, as required by law. Hughes was elected to the Alexandria City Council's sixth spot, defeating current Councilman Tim Lovain by a mere 163 votes.

Since only 15% of registered Alexandria voters actually cast votes in the election for City Council, the other 85% publicly stated that they simply didn't give a damn if their elected officials don't even live here. Technically, Ms. Hughes rents an apartment in Alexandria, but owns a home in Baltimore that went into foreclosure in September 2006, shortly after she purchased it in May 2006, meaning she probably made only one or possibly no mortage payments at all . Ms. Hughes took advantage of Maryland's Homestead Tax Credit, beginning on January 1, 2008, which might mean her official residence for tax purposes is Baltimore, which would officially make her a Baltimoron, instead of an Alexandrian. Three registered voters in Alexandria who actually care about adherence to the law filed a complaint against Ms. Hughes with the Alexandria City Attorney, the Commonwealth's Attorney, and the Alexandria Electoral Board on June 12, 2009. The three men, along with their attorney, insist that elected officials should be required to adhere to the laws they write and are supposed to uphold, an entirely new and radical concept in the Washington, DC region.

Other Alexandria residents, who feared being cast as intolerant, politically incorrect, or just plain mean, were hesitant to call for Ms. Hughes to step aside. "She's an African-American female," said one voter, who asked not to be identified. "Anything I say will be twisted into some sort of racist diatribe, so I'm not sayin' nuthin'." Other voters dismissed such concerns. One local voter, Gloria Gadfly, who was unconcerned with whether people might say she's mean, opined that she "...did not care if Hughes is purple with green polka dots. You can't be registered to vote in two places. If she used her Baltimore address on her federal income tax returns, it's over. Give it up already. When you get caught, the only thing to do is man or woman up, accept responsibility, do your time, pay your fine, pick up trash on the side of the road, whatever the judge says, but don't pretend it's a conspiracy by the man to keep you down."

Several other Alexandria residents confirmed that they had indpedently filed Hatch Act complaints against Ms. Hughes with the Office of Special Counsel, which oversees election law violations by Federal Employees. Ms. Hughes' name appeared on the Republican sample ballot, and at one city council candidate's debate, her name was included among those for whom funds were being raised by the local Republican Committee. Other Alexandrians felt that the pursuit of Hatch Act sanctions against Ms. Hughes was excessively punitive, and noted that somebody on King Street had four or five chickens running around their lawn and nobody was filing a Hatch Act complaint against those organic, free range liberals.

Other voters complained that it was hypocritical for the "extremely conservative" Ms. Hughes, as she describes herself on her personal Facebook page, to have run on a platform of fiscal responsibility when eviction proceedings were brought against her in Alexandria for non-payment of rent, and in Texas for the same thing, and when she was sued in Florida by the University of Miami for an unpaid debt, which Hughes has declined to comment upon. Noted one voter, "I could have a lot of money for a campaign and live quite well myself if I didn't pay my bills. I mean, if everything is free, give me some too."

If it is determined by a Court of competent jurisdiction that Hughes was not a properly registered voter in the City of Alexandria at the time she filed her Statement of Organization to run for City Council on March 3, 2009, Hughes could be subject to prosecution in Virginia for the crime of "making a false material statement." Some local lawyers thought that Hughes would be best served by driving north over the Woodrow Wilson Bridge, although not during rush hour, and never coming back.

For more information, visit Alexandrianews.org

http://www.alexandrianews.org/2009/06/voters-challenge-hughes-candidate-qualifications-voter-registration/

**Editors Note: According to sources within the Alexandria Police Department, a few asshats have actually complained about the chickens on King Street. Somebody even called 911. Fer Chrissakes, people, find something better to do. Complain about me, for example. Everyone else does.**

Today is not funny

2009-05-31T18:03:00.003-04:00

Dr. George Tiller, a husband, father and grandfather, a dedicated physician and a Christian man, was shot to death this morning outside his Lutheran Church in Wichita, Kansas, where he was handing out church bulletins as part of his day's service as an usher. Dr. Tiller wasn't just "shot to death." Dr. Tiller was assassinated.

Please keep Dr. Tiller's family, friends, patients, congregation and community in your hearts and, if you are a person of faith, your prayers.

Virginia Celebrates Sales Tax Holiday For Disaster Preparedness Items; Stock Up In The Event Of A Bob McDonnell Governorship!

2009-05-29T11:33:00.012-04:00

Virginia's second annual sales tax holiday for hurricane preparedness began on May 25 and runs through May 31. Virginia public officials are encouraging Virginia residents to to stock up — tax free — on batteries, flashlights, bottled water, first aid kits and other items citizens may need in the event a big, nasty Republican storm hits Virginia in November.

During the tax free holiday, Virginia citizens are also encouraged to stock up on duct tape, tie-downs, rope and other essentials for tying down boats or kidnapping people and holding them for ransom or training to become a serial killer. The Commonwealth has a website for citizens to read up on how to protect themselves from a hurricane or Bob McDonnell in the governor's mansion.

http://www.readyvirginia.gov/stayinformed/hurricanes.cfm

Many Virginia residents fear a Bob McDonnell administration even more that a Catgeory 5 hurricane. McDonnell has spent the better part of his adult life serving evangelist Pat Robertson at Robertson's Liberty University, promoting an extreme right wing agenda that would deny every woman in Virginia the right to control her own body. McDonnell took more than $500,000 in donations from drug companies and the health insurance industry while doing them a big favor by refusing to investigate major pharmaceutical companies for price gouging. Thousand of recently laid off Virginians despise McDonnell because he voted against accepting federal stimulus money to expand unemployment benefits for Virginians hit hard by the faltering economy. Many fear their homes will be blown away in a McDonnell administration, adding to the Commonwealth's woes.

In addition to basic pantry staples and safety supplies, Virginians are encouraged to stock up on books during this tax free holiday. Books will be banned and burned if Bob McDonnell is elected governor. Officials are especially encouraging residents to purchase scientific texts, such as Darwin's "Origin of the Species" and "Stem Cell Research For Dummies." Residents should also purchase books on sex education and obtain a copy of the U.S. Constitution for home use in case of emergency.

Big business interests are encouraging residents to stay safely indoors during a hurricane or McDonnell administration so no one will notice what Bob McDonnell has been up to or otherwise suffer serious injury. McDonnell was one of very few members of the Virginia House of Delegates who lobbied state agencies on behalf of special interests while a sitting member of the House. Storm forecasters consider that a bad omen for the Commonwealth, and McDonnell still refuses to identify the corporations that paid him to lobby the Commonwealth while he was an elected representative of the people, so no one really knows which way the special interest storm will come from or which way it will be headed.

The Commonwealth of Virginia has a video on YouTube featuring Phil Mousepower to demonstrate to residents how to shop, since many have forgotten ever since they lost all their money under another Republican administration.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g12C6SlIoss

Paradigm Shift Jolts Alexandria; No Major Injuries Reported

2009-05-26T18:36:00.002-04:00

ALEXANDRIA, VA - A paradigm shift struck the Alexandria, Virginia area this afternoon, the U.S. Geological Survey says. The earthquake measured 3.4 on the Richter scale and the epicenter was directly in the center of Alexandria (38°48'17" N
,77°2'50"W), reported the U.S. Geological Survey.

The U.S. Geological Survey reported that the quake struck at 3:30 p.m.

The rumblings rattled all parts of Alexandria, including Old Town and Parker Gray, Del Ray, Beverly Hills, the West End, Arlandria and even the Eisenhower Valley. People in in the Fairfax County section of Alexandria also reported feeling the quake. Some people called authorities to report that they could feel the ground rumbling, said William "Bill" Euille, Mayor of Alexandria. There were no reports of major injuries, and the only building suffering any serious damage was reported to be T.C. Williams High School, where major cracks appeared in the school's reputation.

Many people told reporters they heard a loud boom during the quake, at about the same time a local family revealed their intentions to sue the Alexandria City Public School System, the School Board, the Superintendent of Schools, the Principal of T.C. Williams, the Athletic Director, certain former coaches, and various and sundry other characters. Scientists at the U.S. Geological Survey opined that booms tend to occur more frequently along the East Coast than in other parts of the country, and may be sonic booms or man-made noise, but often accompany major paradigm shifts, such as when a formerly sacrosanct institution starts to become the focus of a great deal of well deserved criticism.

Scientists believe that booms are actually small, shallow earthquakes that are too small to be recorded on the Richter scale, but large enough for people to feel, according to the U.S. Geological Survey Web site. Many people in Alexandria fear they are about to feel another big boom once the lawsuit is filed.

Earthquakes having a magnitude of about 2.0 or less are referred to as "microearthquakes," and nearly 1,000 microearthquakes occur around the world each day, said a geophysicist with the U.S. Geological Survey National Earthquake Information Center in Golden, Colo.

While microearthquakes rarely attract attention unless they occur in a large metropolitan area, throw in pissed off mom and a lawyer or two, and a microearthquake can soon become a major disaster, said the geophysicist.

Officials in Alexandria warned residents to be prepared for aftershocks in the coming weeks and months, and to boil their water before drinking.

Local Woman Can't Get Elected Dog Catcher

2009-05-19T10:29:00.006-04:00

An Alexandria, Virginia woman is upset because she can't get elected dog catcher in that town. Gloria Gadfly, a local political irritant, discovered recently that not only is she so disliked that she can't get elected dog catcher, but that the old cliché is literally true in Alexandria, where the City's Animal Control Officer is not an elected official, but rather a plain old civil servant employed by the Animal Welfare League of Alexandria.

"This is just outrageous," said Ms. Gadlfy, when reached by phone at her home in Alexandria. "How many times have you heard that old cliché, 'An atheist can't get elected dog catcher,' or 'A Republican can't get elected dogcatcher in Alexandria.' Well, turns out it's true, and not only that, NOBODY can get elected dogcatcher in Alexandria because it's not an elected office, it's a total patronage job for the mayor and city council to hand out!"

The Animal Welfare League recently posted the open position on its website, as follows:

"Animal Control Officer (posted: May 06, 2009)
The Animal Welfare League of Alexandria is seeking a full-time Animal Control Officer. This is specialized work in the enforcement of State Laws and City Ordinances governing animal control, care, health, welfare, and licensing. The position involves investigating and resolving complaints, conducting inspections, issuing notices of violations or warnings, impounding stray, injured, or sick animals and performing related field and office duties. Responsibilities ... Work is performed independently or with other animal control officers under the general supervision of the Chief Animal Control Officer. ... Qualifications: · Successfully completed a certified Animal Control Basic Course · Possess a valid drivers license and a clean driving record · ... Pass a background check · Possess euthanasia certification or must be able to be certified in euthanasia. ... Application and pre-employment questionnaire found at www.alexandriaanimals.org...."

Ms. Gadfly has begun soliciting signatures on a petition to submit to city council demanding that the position of "Chief Animal Control Officer" be re-named "Alexandria City Dog Catcher" and be removed from the auspices of the Animal Welfare League and established as an independent, elected, completely partisan office so that Republicans and Democrats can fight over it. She says once this has been accomplished, she intends to run for the position. "I fully intend to declare my candidacy for the office of Alexandria City Dog Catcher, put up signs in the medians all over town and block peoples' views of oncoming traffic, and then lose the election, thereby confirming my own worst fears; to wit, that I can't get elected dog catcher in this town. It will be personally very validating for me."

When asked if she intended to live out other clichés, Ms. Gadfly admitted that she had tried it a few times previously, with limited success. "A few weeks ago, I decided to laugh all the way to the bank. There's a branch not too far from my house, so I walked over there and laughed all the way, but I forgot about the recession we're in and when I got there and checked my balance, it wasn't funny at all. That didn't work out so well."

Ms. Gadfly also warned against any attempts to think outside the box. "I got a box once, and stood outside it, and I thought it about it, but nothing particularly enlightening came to mind, so that doesn't work either. Who comes up with this crap?"

Plunkee The Elephant Lays Big Egg Under Hatch Act

2009-05-06T09:54:00.008-04:00

Alexandria City Council Election Results are in, and Republicans, who ran on a campaign promise of lower taxes, were overjoyed to win two seats on the City Council. Local satirical bloggers-in-pajamas got a huge kick out of the fact that one of the newly elected Republicans, who ran as an Independent because as a Federal employee, she could not engage in partisan politics, receives her salary from federal tax dollars. One newly elected member is a Federal employee at the Patent and Trademark Office, as noted on her official campaign website, and has agreed to take a salary cut equal to however much percentage tax cut she can get the City Council to agree to, which will be zero since Republicans are still outnumbered on the Council by four to six.

Running as an Independent but joining with City Republicans in their "Plunkee the Elephant" campaign, (the newly elected councilwoman is a member of the Commonwealth Women's Republican Club), and making good use of Republican resources, the candidate, who has only lived in Alexandria for two years, was elected along with Frank Fannon, a fifth generation Alexandrian. The "Plunkee the Elephant" campaign encouraged voters to vote only for Republican candidates, of which there were three, and throw away their three other votes for city council, causing an artificial decrease in the total number of votes cast relative to voter turnout. While the strategy worked to get the Republican and the Independent elected, it may have also landed the Independent candidate in hot water, which, when at a rolling boil, will turn an egg hard in ten to twelve minutes. Putting salt in the water first helps to prevent the egg from cracking in the water.

As Federal employee, the Independent candidate was - and is - covered by certain portions of the Hatch Act, under which she may be prohibited from using partisan resources in a political campaign.

Under the Hatch Act, named for the many various eggs laid by Federal employees and various politicicans, there are restrictions on the types of political activity in which Federal employees may engage. While city council elections are supposedly nonpartisan and therefor a Federal employee may run for City Council as an Independent, when the Independent candidate joined the Republicans in the "Plunkee the Elephant" campaign, she may have made her campaign partisan.

An excerpt from an Office of Special Counsel opinion letter to a Naval Officer who ran for City Council in an unidentified Virginia city states, in pertinent part:

"However, if partisan politics become associated with the campaign of any candidate, the election may transform from nonpartisan to partisan. For example, if a candidate solicits the endorsement of a partisan group or uses a party’s resources to further his/her campaign, these actions may transform the election for City Council from nonpartisan to partisan. Thus, if any candidate becomes associated with a political party, we advise that you contact our office."

http://www.osc.gov/documents/hatchact/federal/fh43002a.htm

http://www.osc.gov/ha_fed.htm#fed_adv

When reached by telephone, Plunkee the Elephant declined to comment on the situtation, stating that he was on his way to campaign for Bob McDonnell for Governor and would sit on anyone who complained to the Office of Special Counsel about the women's apparent Hatch Act violations. Democrats bitterly complained that Plunkee should be returned to the nearest zoo, or an equally zoo-like establishment, such as Pat Troy's Irish Bar, where the Republicans held their victory party last night.

Jesus Testifies at Congressional Hearing; Okays Torture

2009-04-30T19:45:00.004-04:00

http://www.cnn.com/2009/US/04/30/religion.torture/index.html

Today on Capital Hill, Jesus Christ Our Lord testified on behalf of White, Protestant evangelicals in support of the Bush Administration's torture policies. Coming on the heels of the release of the "Bybee Memo," also known as the "Torture Memo," Christ's appearance before Congress today to express his full approval of Bybee's findings in Re: Standards of Conduct for Interrogation under 18 U.S.C. §§2340-2340A.[1][3] was welcomed by beleagured religious nuts across America.

The Bybee Memo defined torture as "acts inflicting...severe pain or suffering, whether mental or physical." The memo further stated that said physical pain "must be equivalent in intensity to the pain accompanying serious physical injury, such as organ failure, impairment of bodily function, or even death." Mental pain "must result in significant psychological harm of significant duration, e.g., lasting for months or even years...".

Jesus Christ, wearing flowing white robes and sporting a halo, first cited a recent report by the Pew Research Center (link to news story above), America's leading religious research center, which found that six out of every ten white, protestant evangelicals supported the use of torture. White, Protestant evangelicals supported torture in greater numbers than any other single religious group in America.

Jesus then went on to cite several Proverbs in support of torture, such as:

"A whip for the horse, a bridle for the ass, and a rod for the fool's back." Proverbs 26:3

"The blueness of a wound cleanseth away evil: so do stripes the inward parts of the belly." Proverbs 20:30

"If a man beats his male or female slave with a rod and the slave dies as a direct result, he must be punished, but he is not to be punished if the slave gets up after a day or two, since the slave is his property." Exodus 21:20-21

Jesus then went on to describe the trials of Job, as well as various plagues, scourges and locust invasions which God used to torture people.

The most emotional testimony of the day came when Jesus described his own torture. Jesus pointed out that he was tortured by crucifixion, a particularly gruesome and painful manner of death. When questioned by a Democractic Representative, however, Jesus acknowledged that he did not give up any relevant information under torture which the Romans might have used to foil a terrorist attack. Toward the end of the hearing, while insisting that the Bible specifically allows torture, Jesus admitted that he personally was not in favor of torture, and was forced to admit that in his specific case, it was not effective method of interrogation. After the hearing, Jesus signed a few autographs and then re-ascended into Heaven to sit at the right hand of the Father.

PETA protesters outside the hearing objected to Proverbs 26:3, which promotes the whipping of horses, but had no comment on Exodus 21:20-21, which promotes slave beating.

Swine Flu Alert! Virus Traced To "Babe" On DVD!

2009-04-29T14:51:00.007-04:00

Officials at the Center for Disease Control in Atlanta announced today that they had traced the current outbreak of the deadly swine flu virus to DVDs of the 1995 hit movie "Babe." Republican leaders seized on the news to blame Democrats for the threat to the health of Americans everywhere.

"It turns out that "Babe" wasn't actually just one pig," said Congressman John Boehner (R-Ohio). "Baby pigs grow pretty fast, so they actually had to use 48 different baby pigs to film the movie. Hollywood liberals imported a bunch of baby pigs from Mexico and developed the swine flu virus back in 1995, and they waited to unleash it until they were just about in control. Notice this thing hit just while Republicans were holding up the confirmation of Kathleen Sebelius for Secretary of Health and Human Services? We almost had that blocked, then whammo, this virus hits, and all of a sudden the country actually needs a Secretary of Health and Human Services, so we pretty much had to confirm her. Pretty suspicious timing if you ask me, right on Obama's 100th day, and coming right on the heels of the conficker virus."

Psycho Congresswoman Michele Bachman (R-Minnesota), who got her history wrong yesterday on national television when she tried to blame Democrats for the last swine flu outbreak, claiming it happened on President Jimmy Carter's watch, when it actually happened during the second term of Republican President Richard M. Nixon, echoed similar sentiments. "I know that James Cromwell played the lead in "Babe" as Farmer Hoggett, and everybody knows he's a big liberal activist," said Bachman, citing Mr. Cromwell's long history of actively supporting causes that actually help people. "And how can anyone not see that "Babe" is totally Orwellian in its message? It's got talking animals. It's promoting socialism. It's got a pig herding sheep and the sheep end up doing what the pig says just because he asks them nicely. Don't you see? Barack Obama is Babe the Pig and we the people of America are the sheep! It's a coded message. Don't you see? Don't you see? DON"T YOU SEE???"

A White House spokeswoman denied that President Obama intended to herd Americans into a large pen in a grassy field just to show off to Farmer Arthur Hoggett that he was as good as any sheepdog.

Justice Scalia Applies “Strict Constructionist” Theory to Fourth Amendment; Text Applies Only To Lindsay Lohan, Tara Reid, and Other Starving Starlets

2009-04-28T15:03:00.007-04:00

“The right of the people to be secure in their persons, houses, papers, and effects, against unreasonable searches and seizures, shall not be violated, and no Warrants shall issue, but upon probable cause, supported by Oath or affirmation, and particularly describing the place to be searched, and the persons or things to be seized.” ~ Fourth Amendment to the United States Constitution

The United States Supreme Court announced today that certain language in the Fourth Amendment, designed by the Founding Fathers to protect citizens from unlawful search and seizure, applies only to Lindsay Lohan, Tara Reid, and other starving starlets.

Justice Antonin Scalia, writing for a divided Court, held that a “strict constructionist” view of the Fourth Amendment meant that the phrase “The right of the people to be secure in their…papers…” meant that a person must be able to fit, literally, in their papers in order to be free from government seizure of said papers. He further held that since only anorexic persons could literally fit “in their papers,” that part of the Fourth Amendment would apply only to Lindsay Lohan, Tara Reid, Jessica Simpson if she could keep her weight down, and other starving actresses.

Scalia’s written opinion came as no surprise to Supreme Court watchers. In Minnesota v. Carter, a 1998 Supreme Court case where the evidence was cocaine seized on a person while he was a guest in another man’s apartment, Scalia ruled that the defendant had no expectation of privacy since he was only an occasional guest and “merely present with the consent of the householder.” In that case, Scalia did not address the issue of whether drug evidence would be admissible when seized and used at trial against annoying out-of-state family members who stayed longer than three days.

Scalia did not elaborate at length in the opinion, but did note that at the District Court level, the finders of fact took into evidence an entire box of eight by ten printer paper from Staples, and no one on the jury was able to fit “in their papers.” Scalia noted that it is the duty of the Supreme Court to decide on matters of law only, and not findings of fact.

When reached in Hollywood, Ms. Lohan’s agent expressed delight at the news that her client’s papers could were no longer subject to the long arm of the law. “Lindsay, Tara, and other starlets use papers to snort coke. That’s how they stay so thin. It is gratifying that the Supreme Court, the highest court of the land, has recognized their right to maintain the type of body necessary for their profession, which is playing vapid female leads in bad movies.”

In Washington, representatives for the National Association for the Advancement of Fat Acceptance protested the decision. Fat Senators and Congressional Representatives promised a Constitutional Amendment to declare that the rights enumerated in the Constitution, and even the un-enumerated ones, applied to everyone in America, not just the skinny bitches. President Obama promised to sign the amendment, to be called the “Wendy’s Frosty Rights Amendment,” if and when passed, even though Obama is considered by historians to be the skinniest President in U.S. history.

Leading Republicans Shocked To Discover They Are In Gay Marriages

2009-04-07T15:31:00.004-04:00

*** SPECIAL 'GAY DAY' EDITION TO CELEBRATE VERMONT AS FIRST STATE TO MAKE SAME-SEX MARRIAGE LEGAL BY LEGISLATIVE MANDATE***

Leading Republicans across the United States were shocked to discover today that they were in gay marriages.

The sordid news came to light when a researcher at the National Institute for Interfering in People's Private Lives (commonly known by its acronym, "NIIPPL") discovered that the first definition for the word "gay" in Mirriam-Webster's dictionary is "happily excited; keenly alive and exuberant; having or inducing high spirits." The news sent shockwaves among conservative Republican circles who have long fought against gay marriage or equal rights for anyone who is not fat, white and Christian.

Spokespeople for the two Republicans vying to be the TITular heads of the GOP confirmed that their clients were indeed in gay marriages. Governor Sarah Palin's spokesperson confirmed that Governor Palin's twenty-year marriage to Todd Palin, whom the governor described as "my guy," was generally happy. "They don't fight very much, except when Todd's snowmobiling trips take him on long overnights in the tundra. They are happily excited to be together even now. I guess that means it's a gay marriage."

Governor Palin has reportedly contacted officials at Mirriam-Webster's and asked that the first definition of "gay" be repealed. Palin wants it removed from the dictionary so that no one can say she is in a gay marriage.

A representative for former Georgia Republican Congressman Newt Gingrich confirmed that Mr. Gingrich was also in a gay marriage, his third. In 1981, Gingrich dumped his first wife, Jackie Battley, for wife number 2, Marriane Ginther, while Jackie was in the hospital undergoing uterine cancer treatment. In December, 1999 after Marianne found out about Newt's long-running affair with Callista Bisek, his one-time congressional aide, Ginther and Gingrich diovrced. Gingrich asked Marianne for the divorce by phoning her on Mother's Day, 1999. Gingrich married the ridiculously younger Bisek on August, 18, 2000 in Alexandria, Virginia. His representative confirmed that Gingrich's first two marriages were gay while they lasted, and that his third marraige is also gay for now at least. "They seem to be having a gay old time," said the rep, invoking the Flintstones' theme song.

Official Washington is abuzz with rumors that Gingrich will convert to Catholicism at Easter-time in 2009, making his third marriage especially gay with an Easter celebration at his home and a visit from the Pope. A stalwart promoter of "family values," Gingrich is considering a run for the Presidency in 2012.

Advocates for gay rights and marriage equality were troubled at the news that leading Republicans were in gay marriages. "It's not fair," said one gay rights advocate. "We're not allowed to marry because we are gay, except in Vermont, Connecticut, Massachusets and Iowa...Iowa, of all places," he said, "but they are going around having gay marriages in some very conservative states. That's just not fair."

Gay rights supporters vowed to continue the fight for gay equal rights across America, and denounced any attempt to repeal the first definition of "gay" from dictionaries.

Attorney General Declares That Constitution Is, Indeed, Constitutional

2009-04-01T18:58:00.004-04:00

Dispatch, Washington, D.C., April 1, 2009

In a sharp break from the policies of the Bush Administration, United States Attorney General Eric Holder announced today that the Constitution is indeed, constitutional, and that the rights of the people enumerated therein would be enforced.

The shocking development came to light when the Department of Justice, with Mr. Holder at the helm, asked a federal judge to dismiss an indictment against former Senator Ted Stevens (R-Alaska) and toss out Stevens’ conviction on corruption charges because DOJ attorneys under the former administration failed to disclose exculpatory evidence in Mr. Stevens’ case, a violation of ethics rules and, basically, the very principles of fairness and decency. The DOJ also indicated they would not seek a new trial.

When reached at his home in Alaska, the former Senator expressed delight at the sudden turn of events. “I can’t believe I’ve finally been vindicated, and by Democrats no less,” said the exultant Stevens. “I think I just might change my party affiliation and run against Sarah Palin in the next gubernatorial race.”

When reached in Wasilla and asked to comment on Stevens’ statement, Governor Palin asked what “gubernatorial” meant.

Former Attorneys General John Ashcroft and Alberto Gonzales disputed Holder’s interpretation of the Constitution, The Bill of Rights, and all that other ACLU crap. In a joint statement issued by Ashcroft and Gonzales, they defended the findings of the DOJ under the Bush Administration in the Stevens’ case. “In any criminal proceeding, the prosecution is required to turn over exculpatory evidence to the defendant and his or her counsel, but we saw no evidence of exculpting here. We sent FBI investigators to every pottery studio in Alaska, and there was no evidence of any exculpting by the prosecution whatsoever.”

Since taking office, Mr. Holder has wrestled with DOJ directives handed down during the Bush administration that seem to interpret the Constitution according to Evangelical Legal Theory. A 1976 graduate of the Columbia University School of Law, Mr. Holder explained that Evangelical Legal Theory had not yet taken hold when he was in law school, and no such classes were offered.

“I’ve certainly read up on it since that time,” explained Mr. Holder. “I’ve taken several CLE (Continuing Legal Education) courses in Evangelical Legal Theory because I have to fulfill my CLE requirements just like anybody else, and what I’ve found is that it’s not a particularly difficult concept to grasp. Basically, it requires that whenever there is evidence of a crime or civil infraction, the prosecution has to ask “What would Jesus do?” Since Jesus forgave everybody for everything all the time, no exceptions, it’s a pretty easy legal principle to apply. For example, if someone shoots someone else, society as a whole and the victim have to forgive the perpetrator. It really cuts down on the cost of the prison system. There is some stoning on occasion, and an a pox on someone’s house once in awhile, but it’s not a bad system of jurisprudence. Unfortunately, the First Amendment requires a separation of church and state in this country, so we have to abide by the rule of law as set forth by our founding fathers, and not by the law grads of the Regent University School of Law.”

When word reached the Regent University School of Law campus that bar exam questions were based on actual laws and not the Bible, a mass email was sent to all alumnae explaining why the school’s bar exam pass rate was so low, and suggesting that all Regent law grads would make partner at a big firm in heaven.

Upon learning of the DOJ’s new theory of justice, attorneys for Ted Stevens filed a motion in Federal Court demanding that the government immediately order the Centers for Disease Control to remove the pox that has been placed on the former Senator’s house since his erroneous conviction last fall.

City Council Member Holds Cocktail Party; No One Watches Kids

2009-03-28T09:48:00.004-04:00

A cocktail party/fundraiser was held yesterday evening in honor of Alexandria City Councilman Rob Krupicka. While many prominent Alexandrians attended the party to sip chardonnay and schmooze with city leaders, no one remembered to watch the kids.

The children of Alexandria, who had known of the party for months, took advantage of the adults' distraction to stage a coup of the city government. Huey Euille, the eleven year old son of Alexandria Mayor William "Bill" Euille, led the charge.

"We've been planning this for a while," said the young Mr. Euille from his father's former office in City Hall, who declined to name his co-conspirators. "I mostly used Facebook and my Disney Kids cellphone to do this. My dad put parental controls on our home computer, and gave me this dumb Disney phone that supposedly only allows kids to call their parents and 911, but I hacked the crap out of that stuff in ten minutes, and I was in business."

Young Mr. Euille, together with other Alexandria children, turned the landscape of the historic, waterfront city into an amusement park overnight. Their first action was to place a giant Ferris Wheel in the middle of Market Square. "That is not without precedent," explained Huey. "There was a giant Ferris Wheel in the Place de la Concorde in Paris during all of 2000 for the Millenium celebration, and Vienna has long had their giant Ferris Wheel as a city symbol. Haven't you seen "The Third Man" with Orson Welles?"

Councilman Rob Krupicka's two young daughters, ages four and six, were among the chief instigators of the Alexandria Child Rebellion of 2009, as the coup came to be known. "We've been asking our Dad for a pony for ages," explained Councilman Krupicka's six year old. "He kept saying no and making up excuses. He even had the city council pass an ordinance at a meeting one night against undomesticated animals in the city and then came home and tried to tell us we couldn't have a pony because it was against the law. Talk about self-dealing."

The young Krupicka girls hatched their own rebellion in concert with the young Mr. Euille's coup. Before their father and mother left the house for the cocktail party/fundraiser, the girls stole their father's credit card, and while their parents were at the party, the young ladies ordered an entire pony ride operation online and had it set up in the Landmark Mall parking lot. "Landmark Mall is basically an under-utilized eyesore anyway," explained the young Miss Krupicka. "The city has been talking about tearing it down and building a pedestrian friendly shopping and residential development, but with the economy in free-fall, there just isn't the money to do that. A permanent pony ride operation in the parking lot will attract much need revenue to the city. So called "grown ups" can host their kids' birthday parties there, and my sister and I get our pony. It's a win-win solution."

Perhaps the most ambitious plan of the Alexandria Child Rebellion of 2009 was the giant snow making machine the kids had brought in from an unnamed ski resort in the Rockies. Said the young Mr. Euille, "Face it, Virginia is still a southern state, and with global warming, it's only going to get worse. We just can't rely on mother nature to provide the children of this city with a satisfactory number of snow days each year. This puts us at a real competitive disadvantage to kids in New England, the upper Midwest, and even Canada. With a snow making machine, we can have snow days at will, like when there is a big test or something. The older kids at T.C. Williams were the real brain child behind this operation. There's one girl at T.C. whose grandafther is the retired Chief of Police of a ski resort town in Upstate New York. She is quite familiar with snow making. It was all her idea, and a damn good one at that. This will benefit generations of Alexandria kids as they grow into their teen years and don't feel like going to school. It will also cut down on health care costs. No more fake appendicitis attacks and bogus, wasteful trips to the ER just to skip a test. A manufactured snow day takes care of the problem. We can even do this in May."

When asked how they intended to remain in office past their bedtimes, Huey Euille was nonplussed. "We'll just sneak out if we have to," said the young Mr. Euille. "Our parents can't control us, they just think they can."

Bush, Cheney Admit Adultery; Screwed 307,212,123 Americans

2009-03-24T14:21:00.011-04:00

Former President of the United States George W. Bush and former Vice President Richard "Dick" Cheney publicly confessed today to the sin of adultery, and announced that not only had they had extramarital sex, but that they had, in fact, screwed over 307,212,123 people.

"According to the CIA World Factbook, as of January, 2009, the population of the United States was 307,212,123, so that's approximately how many people we screwed," said Bush. "I hope it was good for you."

When pressed, Bush acknowledged that his wife Laura was very angry with him, and that the two had begun marital counseling. "Lynne has completely forgiven Dick, though. Fact is, she liked to watch." said Bush.

When asked whether he and Cheney had used protection during the "Great American Screwing," or "GAS" as the affair came to be known, Bush stated that he had indeed use protection. "I used the SEC, but it wasn't really very effective. I think a lot of other crises were born as a result of the Great American Screwing, but I'm pro-life, so I'm for that. All life is sacred, including the life of an AIG executive's employment contract."

Bush chuckled as he recalled some of the frat boy excapades that he and Cheney conducted during the Great American Screwing. "Dick's mother was a hoot, now that I think about it. After all, she named him DICK didn't she? Now there's a guy who is eponymously named. I love that word, eponymous. My twins taught it to me when they were studying for the SAT," said Bush, speaking in a coherent, complete, grammatically correct sentence for the first time in his adult life.

"I never took the SAT myself," Bush reflected, striking a somber tone. "I missed out on that entirely. My daddy called Yale and I was in. No application or anything. I was denied that typical adolescent, coming-of-age experience."

Surprisingly, Bush stated that he had changed his mind about his prior opposition to gay marriage as a result of the Great American Screwing. "A little less than half of the U.S. population is male, so that's roughly 153,500,000 men I screwed. You can't really screw 153,500,000 men and then say you're against gay marriage. That would be hypocritical, and no family-values Republican would ever do that."

Gay rights groups applauded Bush's change of heart.

Last Republicans in Alexandria Hold Fort

2009-03-21T17:31:00.004-04:00

The last two remaining registered Republicans in the entire city of Alexandria, Virginia are holding fort for the GOP, literally, in Alexandria's historic Ft. Ward Park.

Frank Fannon, a longtime Alexandria resident and local businessman, and Phil Cefaratti, a recent immigrant from McLean, met on the evening of November 4, 2008, when, shortly after 11:00 PM, an angry mob of Alexandria residents gathered to run the city's remaining registered Republicans out of town. Sheltered in a basement by some sympathetic local Independents, Fannon and Cefaratti emerged recently from their underground hiding place to announce their candidacies for Alexandria City Council.

Cefaratti, a veteran of the United States Navy, and Fannon, a fifth generation Alexandrian and local banker, both believe that as the last two remaining registered Republicans in the City of Alexandria, it is their sacred duty to hold fast against the overwhelming tide of Democratic sentiment that has swept the nation since George W. Bush screwed everything up so badly. Both men, who loved building and playing in forts in the woods behind their houses when they were little boys, thought it would be appropriate to advertise their stand by literally "holding fort" for the GOP. Fannon and Cefaratti went to Home Depot, bought some plywood and nails and a hammer, and built a small fort in the woods in Fort Ward Park. The play fort, which is also the GOP's campaign headquarters in Alexandria, does not allow girls, who are viewed as icky. One needs a password to enter the fort. Younger siblings of each man are not allowed in either.

"What fun is having a fort in the woods if you have to let girls and your little brother in," said Fannon. His sentiments were echoed by Cefaratti, who stated: "Girls have cooties. So do Democrats."

The men are confident that by working together, they can put at least one Republican on the Alexandria City Council and prove that Republicans are not extinct in the city. They claim that at night, sympathetic rich, white people pass by their fort, whispering their opposition to higher property taxes and leaving food and monetary donations.

"It would a seismic change to have a Republican on the Alexandria city council," said Fannon. Both men hope that if that happens, more Republicans will move back to the city.

Councilman Wilson Celebrates 3rd Birthday With Fundraiser

2009-03-15T17:27:00.002-04:00

Alexandria City Council Member Justin Wilson celebrated his third birthday on Sunday with a fundraising event at “Food Matters,” the popular sustainable-food restaurant in Cameron Station.

First elected to City Council in a special election in July 2007 when he was barely one year old, Wilson is up for re-election in the May 5, 2009 city wide race. He has proven to be something of a political prodigy in the tight circle of Alexandria Democrats. The youngest ever member of the city council, Wilson graduated with science degree in Information Systems from Virginia Commonwealth University when he was eight months old, and the Sorensen Institute for Political Leadership at the University of Virginia at eleven months. A juvenile himself, although NOT a juvenile delinquent we are quick to point out, he was an appointee of former Virginia Governor Mark Warner to the state’s Advisory Committee on Juvenile Justice, and is a current appointee of Governor Tim Kaine to the Virginia Board of Juvenile Justice.

It is widely believed that Councilman Wilson may make a run for Mayor when he is six, and a possible run for the governor’s mansion when he is nine. When questioned as to whether he might have designs on the White House, Wilson railed at the unfairness of Article II, Section 1 of the U.S. Constitution, which requires the President of the United States to be not less than thirty-five years old. “That is so unfair,” said Wilson. “Why should I have to wait until I’m old and grey and thirty-five to be President? I’ll be ready by the time I’m fifteen. Article II, Section 1 is just plain old age discrimination, and that’s unconstitutional. I can’t believe the Constitution is unconstitutional. What is wrong with this country?”

The theme of the party/fundraiser was “three.” Campaign donations were accepted in multiples of three, but since three bucks doesn’t go very far these days, donations were made in multiples of thirty.

Many prominent (and not-so-prominent) Alexandrians were present, including Mayor William (“Bill”) Euille, City Council Members Rob Krupicka, Paul Smedberg, Tim Lovain and Del Pepper, Sheriff Dana Lawhorne, State Senator Patsy Ticer, former Alexandria Mayor and current candidate for city council Kerry Donley, and the not-so-prominent yours truly, a big Wilson supporter who hasn’t seen thirty in a veeeeeeeeery long time.

After eating a large piece of birthday cake with a hug gob a chocolate frosting, the young Wilson succumbed to the sugar shock so very familiar to parents of toddlers. After a frenzied round of hand shaking with his constituents, the sugar high wore off, and Wilson went down for a nap. The party broke up shortly thereafter.

Sesame Street Explains The Bernie Madoff Scandal

2009-03-14T11:07:00.002-04:00

Courtesy of Jimmy Kimmel, Ernie, Cookie Monster and YouTube. No further Intro Necessary.

Donley Promises Patronage Jobs To All Family And Friends

2009-03-14T10:24:00.004-04:00

Former Alexandria Mayor and T.C. Williams Athletic Director Kerry Donley announced today that if re-elected to the Alexandria City Council in the May 5, 2009 election, he will provide City of Alexandria patronage jobs to all of his family members and his friends.

"Patronage jobs are a big part of any elected official's duties," said Donley. "This practice crosses Federal, state and local offices, and always has. It's an old tradition for every male member of Congress to give his mistress the job of receptionist in his Washington office. That way, he gets her out of his hometown, and away from his wife. It's a problem, though, for Congressmen from Maryland and Northern Virginia. Washington isn't far enough away from their districts."

When asked whether the giving of patronage jobs to family and friends might send the wrong message to constituents who have lost their jobs in the economic downturn, Donley denied that perception would be a problem. "Just look at Barack Obama," said Donley, citing the 44th President of the United States as an example. "No sooner had he taken the oath of office, I mean, literally, his first act as President, was to turn right around and make his own wife First Lady, and no one in America complained. If that isn't patronage, then I don't know what...".

Donley was well know for providing patronage spots on T.C. Williams sports teams during his tenure as T.C. Williams Athletic Director, which he resigned at the end of the 2008 school year. He could often be heard announcing his own childrens' various achievements on the playing field, such as "Johnny Donley scores for T.C. Williams," and "Johnny Donley with an assist for T.C. Williams" and "Johnny Donley carries the big orange Gatorade container back to the locker room for T.C. Williams."

When reporters pointed out to Donley that one Alexandria resident was particularly incensed at his new plan, the candidate had this to say:

"I know that woman. She is so irritating. She has some beef with the school board about corruption at T.C. Williams, and just because she has actual proof, she thinks somebody will actually do something about it. How naive. Where does she think she is, America? She is always riding around town in her car, the one with all the "Vote Democratic" bumper stickers, with loudspeakers attached, blaring Martin Luther King's "I Have A Dream Speech." There's got to be some city noise ordinance against that. If not, I'll pass one. I avoid her like the plague at all local political events. You should have seen Arthur Peabody's face when she walked into (Virginia Candidate for Governor) Brian Moran's Pancake Breakfast at Mango Mike's. Arthur pulled his sweathshirt over his head like the Unabomber and ran out the back door."

Acording to publicly available campaign finance reports, Donley has promised his wife's second cousin once removed's college roommate's ex-husband's step-daughter's fiance, whom he met once at a wedding eight months ago, the job of Alexandria city dog-catcher.

When reached by phone for comment about the incident at Mango Mike's, longtime Alexandria school board member Arthur Peabody had this to say: "I'm tired of the parents in Alexandria always wanting something. I'm old. Leave me the hell alone."

City Adopts Official Song

2009-03-13T14:39:00.006-04:00

In a proclamation at city hall in Old Town, Alexandria, Mayor William "Bill" Euille announced today that the city council had passed a resolution adopting an official city song.

"We wanted to honor our fair city's faux reputation as a town of diverse, tolerant, all-accepting liberals," said Euille. "Last year the city council passed a resolution declaring the city to be PBA free, and the year before that, we passed a resolution making Alexandria a nuclear-free zone. Instead of passing a resolution against something, this year the city council decided to pass a resolution in favor of something, so we adopted an official song. A protest song seemed appropriate, since people in Alexandria give a lot of lip service to Democratic ideals and are always railing against this or that perceived injustice, but they never actually do anything about it."

City Council Member Redella S. "Del" Pepper said she was thrilled with the city's new, positive attitude. "It's so nice to have something to sing about," said Pepper. Councilwoman Pepper was last seen strolling along King Street in ripped jeans and a leather jacket, singing "Inoculated City" from the album "Combat Rock," the 1982 studio album by British punk band "The Clash," the band's fifth studio album, which was re-released in 1986 without the song "Inoculated City" due to a royalty dispute with the makers of "2000 Flushes," a popular British toilet bowl cleaner.

"Inoculated City" was used in a commercial for "2000 Flushes," the parent company of which bought the rights to the song. The members of The Clash were peeved.

The city's newly adopted song, 'Protest Song', sung by popular British artist Neil Innes, best known for his work with Monty Python's Flying Circus, is a Dylan-esque riff that Innes first sang in New York City in 1975. Innes appeared with Monty Python at New York's City Center, and the resulting album, "Monty Python Live at City Center," sold millions. Innes was introduced to the audience under his stage name, "Raymond Scum," but later resumed his career under his legal name. Innes is also well know for the song's spoken opening tag line, "I've suffered for my music. Now it's your turn."

The City Council was forced to cut several essential city services in order to pay the royalty fees necessary to obtain the legal right to adopt "Protest Song" as the city's official song. "We're cutting garbage pick up, police, fire and ambulance services entirely, " said Euille. "I think we might close down the public schools too. All anyone ever does is complain about them anyway."

When reached by phone and asked about the possibility of the Alexandria public schools closing down for good in order to pay royalty fees for an official city protest song, longtime school board member Arthur Peabody had this to say: "I'm tired of the parents in Alexandria always wanting something. I'm old. Leave me the hell alone."

Citizens of Alexandria can listen to the new, official city protest song here:

School Board Candidate Decides To Run In Secret

2009-03-12T16:15:00.012-04:00

Marc Williams, an incumbent candidate for school board in Alexandria, Virginia, has decided not to run for re-election publicly, but to instead run in secret, his campaign manager announced today. When asked why Mr. Williams was running secretly, his campaign manager explained the new political strategy.

“Basically, it works like this,” said Mr. Williams' campaign manager, “if a candidate runs for office out in the open, anybody might support him or even vote for him. That means that later on, if he wins, all those people who voted for him will expect him to be responsive to their needs and concerns. That’s a huge pain in the ass, and one we don’t want to have to deal with, so instead, we’re just going to run in private, and have only his friends vote for him, so we won’t have to answer to ordinary citizen voters.”

The unusual campaign strategy first came to light when an intrepid citizen reporter discovered that the “Marc Williams For School Board “ Facebook page was a “closed group,” meaning that only invited guests could view the candidate’s campaign page. The exact wording on the introductory page is “This is a closed group. Members must be invited or approved by an admin.” When the intrepid citizen reporter sent two requests to join the “Marc Williams For School Board” Facebook campaign page and never received a reply to either request, she felt personally rejected and left out, and decided she would not vote for Marc Williams. “That is so high school, excluding people and forming cliques and all that. But, on the other hand, I suppose if you’re going to run an actual high school, it must be good practice,” said the rejected, left out, un-cool citizen voter who did not have the right clothes.

A representative for the Virginia Board of Elections noted that campaign websites are governed by Virginia Election laws. “§ 24.2-955.1 of the Virginia Code specifically includes websites and email in the definition of “Print Media,” which is governed by Title 24.2 (Elections), Chapter 9.5 (Political Campaign Advertisements),” explained the state election official, who asked not to be named. “The Commonwealth of Virginia devotes an entire section of its Code to Election law. That is Title 24.2. There are precise regulations governing campaign websites, but there is no way for a citizen or even the Board of Elections to know if Mr. Williams is violating Title 24.2 because his campaign webpage is hidden from public view. This is really a case of first impression. It's a free social networking site, so is that covered by Virginia Election Law? No one really knows. It's not paid campaign advertising, unless a paid consultant is the admin for the page, but how can anyone know that unless the candidate declares it on their campaign finance forms? It would be a great bar exam question. The citizen who brought this to our attention was certainly very observant.”

This reporter inquired about the possibility that Mr. Williams didn’t even know he had a campaign page on Facebook. “I suppose that’s possible,” said the election official, “but he has another, personal page on Facebook, so how could he not know he has a campaign page?”

One must have a Facebook account to view the introductory "Marc Williams for School Board” Facebook page that tells one that they are not invited to view the real “Marc Williams for School Board” Facebook page that is only for the cool kids.

In other developments, a citizen reported to the Board of Elections that certain statements of political dissent and criticism of the candidate's performance that said citizen posted on the Facebook page entitled “Friend of Yvonne Folkerts for School Board,” (which anyone can join no matter how ugly or unpopular they were in high school), had been twice removed. Yvonne Folkerts is the current chairman of the City of Alexandria school board and is running for re-election. Messages through Facebook to Folkerts’ Facebook campaign manager were not returned. Once again, officials at the Virginia Board of Elections said this appeared to be a case of first impression. “We’ve never had anyone run for office in Virginia before who wanted to repeal the First Amendment, or just flat out defied it. The Facebook messages that the citizen left did not contain threats or profanity, and the law says the people can criticize their elected officials, and it doesn’t carve out an excluded zone. If a candidate is going to have a webpage that invites comments, they probably can’t censor the comments as long as they aren’t threatening or profane. Again, it's unclear whether the law applies or not, or which law. Yvonne Folkerts has another person acting as admin for her page, but is that person paid, or a volunteer? Who knows? I’m really scratching my head on this one. Why would a candidate do something that goes so against the grain of what America stands for by censoring free speech on a free social networking site? On the other other hand, if her argument is that it's not free, that she's paying a consultant to run her Facebook page, then it's not free anymore, and she has to disclose it. I'm so confused.”

The censored citizen, angered that Folkerts had repealed the First Amendment and not told anyone, requested copies of every filed campaign finance report of every current school board member and was pouring over the filings and searching the web, looking for possible violations of Virginia Election law. As this story went to press, she had found two possible violations, and dutifully reported those possible violations to the Virginia Board of Elections.

Longtime Alexandria School Board member Arthur Peabody, to whom everyone goes for a quote when something happens involving the school board, had this to say: "I'm tired of the parents in Alexandria always wanting something. I'm old. Leave me the hell alone."

*Editors note: The day after this post appeared, the "Marc Williams For School Board" private Facebook group page disappeared. Either its settings have been marked "private," meaning that no one who is not a group member can even see the introductory page, or it has been entirely deleted. Without full access permission by the admin for the page, there is no way for the editor of this blog to know the actual circumstances behind the mysterious disappearance of the "Marc Williams For School Board" Facebook page, but it appears that someone is listening to my gadfly ravings, which makes my day. The email address for the admin of the disappeared "Marc Williams For School Board" facebook page was amd@gmail.com. The funniest part of all of this was that according to the introductory page, there were only ever two -that's right, exactly TWO - members of the private "Marc Williams for School Board" Facebook page.*

Sales of Dangly, Ethnic Jewelry Boost City Coffers

2009-03-12T13:11:00.003-04:00

Despite the severe municipal budget cuts facing every other city and town across the nation, the City of Alexandria, Virginia today announced a $27 million dollar budget surplus due solely to the booming sales of dangly, ethnic jewelry.

Alexandria women, who are generally extremely conservative but want to look very liberal, are responsible for the city's good fortune. "It's just been marvelous," said Mary, the owner of the "Ugly Necklace and Matching Ugly Earrings" jewelry store on King Street, in the heart of Alexandria's historic Old Town district. "Women who used to dress in Jill Sander and Prada, and wear diamond earrings as accessories, have grown old and fat. Now they're wearing loose, comfortable clothing from Chico's that stretches, and accessorizing with oversized, dangly, ethnic jewelry. Business is booming."

A city official, who asked not to be named, confirmed that sales tax revenue from the huge increase in sales of dangly, ethnic jewelry during the 2008 Presidential campaign helped to add to the city's surplus. In addition, he said, "Many Alexandria housewives are now flocking to city hall to apply for permits and zoning variances so they can turn their garages and basement rec rooms into dangly, ethnic jewelry factories and stores. Everyone wants to cash in on the trend. The permit and zoning variance request fees alone have resulted in over $8 million dollars in revenue to city hall."

On Alexandria woman, a trim, stylish brunette in her late 40's, observed that she was overdressed at a recent get-together of Alexandria woman who were celebrating a 50th birthday. "I was wearing an outfit from this year's Marc Jacobs' line that I picked up at the Neiman Marcus in Tysons II. By the way, I saw Sarah Palin there returning stuff. Anyway, I also had on a pair of Jimmy Choo boots and understated jewelry. My husband said I looked fabulous as I was leaving, but when I got to the party, I realized I looked ridiculous. Everybody else was in Chico's and crocs, and wearing dangly, ethnic jewelry. I felt so out of place, I left early."

It is believed the trend really took off when, at a public meeting of the Alexandria School Board, the wife of longtime school board member Arthur Peabody flung a piece of her own dangly, ethnic jewelry at a critic of her husband's, after having watched an Iraqi journalist throw a show at former President George W. Bush. As news of the flying dangly, ethnic jewelry spread throughout Alexandria, a fashion sensation was born. Said Mr. Peabody, "I'm tired of the parents in Alexandria always wanting something. I'm old. Leave me the hell alone."

Mayor and Commonwealth's Attorney Vow to Outlaw Peanut Butter

2009-03-11T20:08:00.005-04:00

In Alexandria, Virginia, a politically conservative town on the banks of the Potomac River, in the shadow of the nation's capital, local politicans have moved to ban peanut butter, saying it poses a threat to citizens who use it as a sex toy.

"Recently, an adult oriented shop called "Le Tache" opened on King Street in the heart of historic Old Town, Alexandria," said Mayor William ("Bill") Euille. "In the ensuing investigation of this gross violation of common decency, we realized that peanut butter had become a serious threat to the moral fiber of our citizens."

After many crotchety, uptight citizens of Alexandria expressed their outrage that a sex shop had polluted their precious historic district, Mayor Euille and Alexandria Commonwealth's Attorney Randolph "Randy Randy" Sengel swung into action to appease the city curmudgeons. Sengel was quoted in the Washington Post as saying that Virginia law allowed courts to declare any sexual material obscene and ban its sale, and that what might be okay in one community might not be acceptable in another, conveniently forgetting the fact that the Constitution of the United States of America, and the First Amendment in particular, applies everywhere in America.

Sengel said that during his investigation of how to close down Le Tache, he discovered that the store was selling peanut butter without a food sale license. Upon further investigation, he learned that the reason a sex shop was selling Jif and Skippy was because some particularly debauched and depraved citizens were smearing it on one another and licking it off. "That's disgusting," said Sengel. "My wife and I would never do that. Besides, we just had that big salmonella outbreak from that dirty peanut factory in Georgia. People could die, and as Commonwealth's Attorney, it's my job to protect people from themselves."

Mayor Euille was quoted in the same article in the Washington Post as saying that he believed that a sex shop was an inappropriate business to be located in a historic district. Mayor Euille, who is black, wants the businesses on King Street and the surrounding area to return to their colonial roots. He suggests the reopening of saloons, whorehouses, and slave galleries, such as existed in the colonial era. "We want to preserve our historic buildings," said Mayor Euille. "The only way to do that is to return them to their authentic beginnings. There were no gourmet ethnic restaurants or Starbucks or antique shops back then. Nothing was an antique yet. The fact that we have antique shops in Old Town is just plain stupid. Early Virginians didn't deal in antiques. It was just plain old everyday stuff to them back then."

Local area business owners applauded the city's efforts to return Old Town to its colonial roots. "Saloons and whorehouses will attract a lot of tourists," said one area business owner, who wished not to be named. "There are no other whorehouses, at least not legal ones, from here to Nevada. The city will make a killing in tax receipts too. We'll be able to afford any city service we want. I'm not so sure about the slave galleries though. My wife is black."

Longtime Alexandria School Board member Arthur Peabody, whom everyone goes to for a quote when something happens in the city, had this to say: "I'm tired of the parents in Alexandria always wanting something. I'm old. Leave me the hell alone."

"To Be A Liberal" by Roy Zimmerman

2009-03-11T19:55:00.005-04:00

Roy Zimmerman, a popular singer, acoustic guitarist and YouTube sensation, has written a song about Alexandria residents. It is dedicated to all the Alexandrians who donate to Democractic politicians and pretend to be liberals but are really annoyingly conservative when you get right down to it.

Longtime Alexandria School Board member Arthur Peabody, whom everyone goes to for a quote when something happens in the city, had this to say: "I'm tired of the parents in Alexandria always wanting something. I'm old. Leave me the hell alone."

T.C. Lacrosse Team Mulches Coaches in Fundraiser

2009-03-11T18:58:00.003-04:00

The T.C. Williams High School Lacrosse Teams, as part of their annual mulch sale fundraiser, this year mulched their coaches, Charley Juris and Jill Clacherty, and sold them along with the rest of the mulch they had ordered for the sale.

"The mulch sale was a huge success this year," said Frank, President of the T.C. Williams Lacrosse Boosters Club,and the parent of a senior on the Varsity team. "We raised over $50 million dollars once people heard we were mulching Jill and Charley. The orders were just flying in. We made so much money, we're going to share it with all the other booster clubs." Unlike most high schools, T.C. Williams has separate booster clubs for its various sports.

The mulching of Charley Juris and Jill Clacherty came after several scandals involving the coaches came to light. Prior to the start of the season, Charley accidentally sent an email, of which Jill was a part, to a lacrosse mom who just happened to be an attorney and then-secretary of the boosters. In the scandalous email, Charley Juris detailed a plan to print up his own ballots for the officer and board positions of the lacrosse booster club, mark them, stuff the ballot box "Chicago style" at the lacrosse boosters' annual meeting, and thus place his own wife and other cronies in control of the lacrosse booster treasury. The offended mom/attorney/booster club secretary forwarded the email to the School Board, the Athletic Director, the Principal, the Superintendent, and all the lacrosse parents. An uproar ensued.

Upon further investigation, it was discovered that Charley was a deadbeat. Numerous lawsuits had been filed against him for unpaid debts in both Alexandria City and Fairfax, including suits by Suntrust Bank, Bradlee Dental, Smitty's Lumber, and a psychologist in Bethesda. The suits were successful, although the victories were phyrric. Garnishments of Juris' bank account at the Pentagon Federal Credit Union were dismissed for lack of funds.

Parents of former players brought to light other scandals involving Juris, and Clacherty retaliated against the attorney/mom/secretary of the boosters by cutting that woman's daughter from the Varsity team. At press time, the School Board, Principal William Clendaniel, Superintendent Morton Sherman and Athletic Director Robert Mckeag had done absolutely nothing, despite repeated requests for action.

Said longtime school board member Arthur Peabody, himself an attorney, "I'm tired of the parents in Alexandria always wanting something. I'm old. Leave me the hell alone."

T.C. Teen Lobbies for Place in T.C. Daycare

2009-03-11T18:39:00.001-04:00

A student at T.C. Williams High School in Alexandria, Virginia, sued the school today over its refusal to allow him a place in T.C. Williams' daycare. The daycare, onsite at the two year old, $100 million dollar facility, is called "Tiny Titans," a reference to the high school's mascot, the T.C. Williams Titan.

Jamal Jamalson, a 15 year old sophomore, asked school officials at the begining of the 2008-2009 school year if he could enroll in Tiny Titans, arguing that at age 15, he is still, technically, a child. He pointed out that both of his parents work full time out of necessity in order to be able to afford to live in Alexandria and pay the high property taxes necessitated by the building of the $100 million dollar school, and that he has nowhere else to go during the hours between when school lets out and his parents arrive home from work. "I can either hang out with other kids at the pit near George Mason Elementary School and get high," he said, referring to a popular teen hangout spot in the city, "or I can sit home alone and watch tv." School administrators flatly refused his request.

"The Tiny Titans daycare is for the children of teen moms at T.C." said Principal William Clendaniel. "It is no place for a child. We want to encourage teen moms. I mean, we want to encourage teen moms to stay in school. We don't want to encourage teen fathers."

When reporters pointed out that Jamal Jamalson was not, in fact, a teen father, but was, in fact, still technically and legally a child, Clendaniel stood firm. "We just don't have the financial resources to provide spots in the Tiny Titans daycare to accomodate all technical children. We have to cut somewhere, so we draw the line at children who don't have actual children."

Undaunted, Jamal and his parents filed suit in the Federal District Court in Alexandria. "I just don't understand the school's position," said Jamal's mother, Sheila Jamalson, a lawyer with the U.S. Department of Justice. "My child is a child. Shouldn't he have the same access to all resources as every other child in Alexandria? I pay taxes...through the nose!"

At press time, the school had not filed a response. Said longtime school board member Arthur Peabody, himself an attorney, "I'm tired of the parents in Alexandria always wanting something. I'm old. Leave me the hell alone."